A Woman's Worth

Introduction

Welcome to another episode of Black Girl fly. I'm your girl Tanisha Nicole.

And I'm Shawna Dixon.

And today we are going to be talking about knowing your worth or your value. Did I describe that right?

I think did but I'm so torn on this one. I think there's so many different ways that you can come at this, like from somebody that was actually talking about earlier today is your family and how you how you grew up, family things going on. And I was talking to Charles, and he was like, Yeah, you know, I never had a lot of my family. You know, we were cool. But they'd always be like, you think you think you're better than us?

And I experienced that, too. Did you have that kind of?

I never thought I was better than anybody and say that you thought that that people said that to you or perceived that?

Yeah, you're better than them.

Yeah, I don't know that anyone has said that to my face other than a stranger. But, but yeah, I mean, perhaps, I mean, perhaps I want to say yeah, people think that I think that of myself. Yes. Right. Yes,

yes. And so in this though, it was so funny, because he was like, he's like, I'm grown now. So when we were kids, I'd like Nah, I'm not gonna say wherever he's like, I felt like he said, I thought we were playing on a different point system. Now, I'm an adult. So I got two metrics for you.

They were doing algebra, you were doing calculus? Something was going on with the math?

Yeah. And so I just think that it's so relevant to life. Like, I'm like, we're no longer kids. Like, like, there is something about knowing your value, the one with your work, and putting the standards around those kinds of things. Right. Like, like, I just think it was, it's really flexible PA, like, before, it was like, like I felt like I grew up with, you can't think you're better than anyone else. Kind of kind of thing, right?

Yeah, I guess you know, that part of it that I take issue with is why you have to compare yourself to someone else, you know, but if you notice, though, I don't think it's ever the people who are being perceived as in the superior, that's doing the comparison. Like every scenario, that I've heard that it's always someone saying that another person who hasn't said anything, is projecting this, this right, or does that make sense? That does make sense. But but the way you're describing is like, you are better than somebody that does it.

For yourself. So one of the challenges right now that we're talking about in the work environment, is the great resignation and the lack of skilled talent and, and that our in an employee market, right? Like, here's the reality now, right? So you grew up, or I grew up saying, I'm not better, I'm not this or whatever, right? That stuff matters. Because if you're going up against somebody for an employment opportunity, right, I got to know that I'm good that I'm better than this person, because I have this skill, the skill, the skill, because I bring this to the table, because I do this. So so there is a metric, right? We're determining whether you are of more value or not.

Value vs. Are you Better?

I mean, it just, it just doesn't sit well with me, like I hear what you're saying. But it seems even contradictory to me even in the same sentence, you know what I mean? Go Go for it. So like, I think you can be all of those things you could be you can bring X, Y, and Z to the table, and that can set your value, right? You don't need to say, because this person hasn't done XYZ, something else. And then like comparing your value to you guys gives you my nose, you should give me an eye over here. I mean, so I want to say, it feels contradictory to say that together below me finish. But at the same time, I'm gonna give you all a concrete example. Like, I, ya know, I'm self employed. And so I charge a rate, right? And so, you know, over the years, my rate has increased and I have multiple clients. And so it has increased at different rates across each client, unfortunately, but I feel like you need a benchmark, right to know what you could even possibly ask for. And so in that sense, I say, Okay, what is the what is the market expecting at the time, but to me, I'm not comparing it to a single individual, but like, what is the you know, I'm I have this number of years of experience, I focus on, you know, this industry, I do these like lines of business, right? And I'm comparing it to a group of people. But that to me sounds emotional.

Like, are you saying that? I can't say that I'm better than this person, even though all the facts say that I am? Because that sounds like a societal thing, it seems unnecessary is what I'm trying to get at. Because if you're selling yourself, so in that same predicament, right, you can have somebody else who is charging a lesser rate, right? Right, and you're going to go to that interview, or that sales pitch, and you're gonna say, you need to hire me, because I have this over my competition, they may be best at hiring, they may be, you know, charging a lower rate,

I say, and let them and let them because like to wait. So you're going to allow your client to get a lesser quality, because you're not willing to say you're better.

Because if like, my work speaks for itself, I don't listen, I don't even pitch it doesn't I don't have to do sales is the point like your work speaks for yourself, what is for you is for you.

Now, so I work for a company, where we have a competitor nipping at our tables, yeah, everything that we're bidding on zero bidding on and they're, they're just charging a third of the price. And we we had to come to the table and say, we know that they're gonna throw out a number that is a third of the price. What are we gonna do about it. And so we sat there, we had a conversation about it, we were like, we pulled out in the product landscape, a competitive analysis, right, we said we are beating them here, we are doing this. And so in market terms, they are a low cost leader, they are a Walmart compared to target, right. And we are the target our product is superior, we offer superior service, you're gonna have a better experience, right. But if they go in and they say we are the low cost leader, you're going to in order to get that business, in any scenario, you're going to have to say that you're going to have to say that we are not a low cost leader, we are not a lesser quality, so we can get the less the least price out there are a quality provider, that's going to charge a little bit more, but you will have a better experience. And that is saying that our product is superior.

But to me, you wouldn't even have to say that if you had the right client, if the client knew what they were looking for, you wouldn't have to explain it. So how, you know you work in a very niche market. Right? But But I'm saying people know who you are already only reason you know the difference between Walmart and Target if you walked into vote, nine, no, you could have never walked into either. And you wouldn't know the difference based on who talks about them. You know, what was the way let me let me say my example, Paris Hilton about 1520 years ago, on her little show where she had when Nicole Richie said, Walmart. She said, Does Walmart sell walls? And you know why she said that? Because this girl has never been to Walmart before her entire life, nor does she ever need to go. So having never if I had never been a target. I mean, if I had never been to Walmart, I would be like, well, Paris Hilton does a job there. So it's obviously not for her, you know what I mean? Like, it's a different class of clients that you're trying to attract. And if they want something that's low budget, guess what they're gonna go with the low budget person, you don't have to convince them to do otherwise.

If nobody says that, if nobody says, this is legit, Mrs. Right? This is better. As I'm like, the work speaks for itself. Whenever I am submitting a whole lot to hold on. Everybody doesn't ask for submission of your work in the bidding process.

And that's I'm saying it's a problem for the client for not being a Smart Client, you know what I mean?

So let me let me reiterate what you just what I just heard you say you're saying you should boast about being better than someone else, that you should be silent and let them make the decision on their own. You shouldn't be silent. But honestly, I've learned a lot being in this entrepreneurial space, there is some clients you don't want. And if I have a client about to drop millions of dollars, and they didn't do their due diligence, that sounds like a terrible client to have, first of all, but I'm like, I think what we forget for ourselves, and not to get too far away from the topic. But it's like, where we have the power to visit just as the person is betting we do but as a as a person providing services, you also have the ability and the power to sell yourself.

If you want to do that. I mean, you can but honestly, in my experience, I haven't had to and I don't think you should have to like if you're doing what you are designed to do. You don't have to do that. And you are the first person to tell me that you don't have the degree You don't have to fight or like things come to you by Z.

I'm saying it's perfectly fine. It is perfectly natural for you to be able to say, and going back to our topic, that I am better.

And I mean, I think we have to agree to disagree on this. And I think, you know, this, this is part of our differences, right? Like, when we come to the show, we we understand that, you know, we were grazed in the same household for a few years. Right. Even though we're sisters, we have such a different experience and outlook on life. And, you know, I think we took the conversation a little left here, but I think it's important to highlight like, we don't have to agree on everything. But I think what's important is like, we understand these differences that we have, and how that's playing out for us. In our work together in that No, I just think it's so interesting that like, I hear you, but I haven't heard your logic yet. I hear an emotional plea for not saying that you're better than someone else.

And I hear on the opposite end, an emotional plea to have to say that about yourself. So I what I'm thinking about is like, this is actually very fundamental, like how we operate. You know what I mean? Like, for me, I have a lot of insecurity around, right, like being too boastful or too prideful. Really. Yeah. And I'm like, so I don't it's so funny, though. Because I don't have that at all. Because I don't feel like I do that ever. Yeah, like, I don't feel like that's in my major. So I am. I think that I am miles away from being too boastful about something.

But what did what what do you think is driving your standpoint? About selling myself? Yeah, so

I had to do it. Because I realized that when you walk into a room, no one can see your differences by looking at you. And you don't so what we're having this conversation, it really reminds me of go all the way back to Blake, like an hour. Yeah, getting in there. So like all of this, this like therapy off, which is I'm having a moment here right now. But I'm like, I just feel like that. So can you give a little backdrop.

I mean, I like. And it's so funny, because I'm thinking about it as I go in all my experiences. But I feel like I can be in a room, I have a negative example to that I can be in a room with 20 people. And I say dating relationship, I can say, the work employment and looking for a job or even being an entrepreneur and bidding on new business, you can be in a room, and you can present, whatever. But they always say, you know, first impressions, right? Like, I'm thinking about the diversity that exists in the world. And there's no way in a relationship setting in and in any of those settings that I just talked about, you can really look at a person and know, this is the better option for me. But I've done interviews, by the way, I've hired new people. And I can sit down with you for 20 minutes, right and see qualities that will be boring not to the qualities that I'm looking for in that conversation and that sales, and I can sit in a dating situation, and have coffee with you for 30 minutes. And I can see what do we relate to each other? Would we not, but if I were just looking at you, or even try to vet you look at your social media profiles, and yeah, and whatever is available, I wouldn't get that same experience. So I think that in life, you're always always always either selling or being sold to.

And I don't disagree with that. What I'm saying is, you can sell actively, or you can sell passively. And for me, it's more of a passive thing. Honest to God, truth. Everything that has ever come to me has just come to come to me, I have not pursued anything and like everything. I've never had to pursue things. And when I do try to pursue things, that's usually where we get issues. I honestly I think about you know, college, like, where I went to college was kind of a happenstance thing. I didn't even I never even heard of the university. I just applied to it and got accepted, right. And even the jobs that I've gotten, like, the job that I had at the Pentagon, a recruiter called me up one day and was like, Hey, you want a job at the Pentagon? I'm like, How'd you get my resume? I'm gonna look for a job. So like literally everything, even the entrepreneur thing. I didn't really want to be an entrepreneur, it just kind of happened. And so what I'm saying like, I've never had to do these things. And so, like, that's why it makes me so uncomfortable to even talk about it. And I'm just now starting to, like, have the conversation with me about, like, well, how much actually should I be charging, right? But I'm still not comparing it to other people. I'm just like, Oh, I'm used to make this much. Now it feels like I'm worth more because I know how much the contracts are and like, I know how much we have to spend here. So I'm like doing deductive reasoning now to figure that out. But I still am not saying I need to compare myself to somebody else. Because honestly, I don't think there is anybody else that I could compare myself to have that experience.

I feel like I have to compare myself to other people in like for salary. For instance, I've never been at this title. I've never known anyone with this title. I didn't get this title, what this title page. And so the only way that I could know that I could walk into a room and it was being fairly compensated was for me to compare myself. And I'd say the same thing about I said earlier, while you're talking, that I had never just had things fall at me or come to me, that's not true. I had a lot of relationships that just fell in my lap, I had a, I had jobs that just fell in my lap. And as I think about those things, I think I could have managed it a little bit.

More, I think that if I would have worth more than this, I wouldn't have had some of the relationships that I had.

Interesting. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. And I mean, I think that's a great point. I mean, that hasn't been my experience. Those are the things in my life that have just come to me have actually been the best things to me. So this is what I always say in my head, like, everything exceeds my expectations, because and I think that's what it all is about, like my expectations are just low. So the universe surprise. And so she says that, she says that when you meet her, you realize that her expectations aren't so low met. My expectations are pretty low. My standards are high.

Expectations are really meant to you.

Oh, yeah. I know. That makes no sense. She's like, Okay, girl, you crazy. Just like, I don't think anyone else was good. But I just like, that's why I love her. Yeah. But so

Okay, so so. So understanding your value, I did want to say this is something that's been prevalent, especially as me being an employer, and things like that, is that I actually, I really related this from an employee perspective. And I was in a situation where I have an employee, and you're like, I want more money, I think I deserve more money and whatnot, right? And they were like, I might leave to get more money. And I value this employee this way is awesome, right. But I was told that I could not give this employee or money wasn't in the cards. And, and I was really excited, because she came back to me and she said, I'm worth more. And I'm not going to stand for this. And I'm going to go somewhere where they can appreciate the value that I bring. And that was huge for me, because I didn't that standard. So talking about between expectations and standard. I feel like she set a standard for herself, that say that I will accept below this thing. Right? All right. And early in your career, that's hard to do. I tell you this here, but I stayed at a job way too long. I didn't understand the value that I brought to the organization, I thought they would do me a favor, because they put me in a position where they promoted me to a position that I had never seen myself in before. And that was better than what I thought that I would give time. So I think that just across the board, though, why is that understanding your value is important is because you are the only one who's truly going to protect you. And you're going to be well intentioned and that people can can spend more time with you here and there. But when it comes down to it, you have to understand your own value. And when you can make sure that everybody else treats you with that standard.

Summary

Right, right. And I think what we're getting at is, I think we all have to figure out how it is we get to that value, whether that companion by comparison or by deductive reasoning. I mean, you got to figure it out. But at the end of the day, that's absolutely something that I can agree on. It's like you have to understand your value and I say it hits so close to home for me because people take advantage right? If they see that you can give them something and they can get it at a discount. I honestly get it for free sometimes. Like they will be selfish about that and they will wipe you dry and you will have nothing left for yourself. And so that's in so many ways guys that's not Yeah, I mean financially, emotionally like like everything. And so I think this this part of knowing your value is really creating that boundary like what is it that you're going to get in return for this thing that you are giving up? Because you are giving something up in you could love doing it? Right. But it's taking away from the other things you could be saying yes to? Well, the well then we're gonna close this out. And I mean, I think we're gonna have to revisit this conversation about birthday. Because there's a lot more than what we're able to discuss today. But until next time, folks, I'm your girl. Tanisha Nicole, and we are a black girl fly