The Cost of Relationships

Introduction

Welcome back to another episode of Black Girl fly. I'm your girl Tanisha Williams and I'm Shawna Dixon. And today we're going to be talking about the cost of relationships. Like, what does it cost you to be in relationship? Yeah, I think this is important, though, because everybody talks about like the glitz, the glam of the relationship. Yeah. Why? Oh, that's my boo. Oh, he did this together. But no one really talks about, like, what it takes to get there. Yes. And I think that there are both like, true financial costs. But there's a lot of things that it costs you personally to be in relationships, although, you know, they do pay dividends right now future. But yeah, there's a real cost to be in relationships.

The Cost of Relationships- Time

I feel like the first thing is like, the work like the upfront work and the time, and the conversations and the uneasiness that you have to have and kind of starting that out. Did you experience that? Oh, definitely. I'm like, I remember when I was dating one guy, he wanted to talk on the phone all the time. And I'm like, literally, if we talk for eight hours a day, I don't get paid for the time that I could be working or doing something else, you know, investing in my other relationships. I like him very much.

But I'm gonna say like, I feel like, usually for most, this is the fun time I remember, like falling asleep on the phone, like because we just and whatnot. It's fine. All right. Bye. But I mean, just think about when you're saying yes to that the things you're saying no to. Yeah. And so I don't know, maybe it's just my personality. But I think that's a great point, though. I mean, I think that because it is nice, it feels good and whatnot, you're still making you are you're making a trade off. You're, you know, a lot of people say, Oh, they got with a guy and they left their friends. That's your trade off. Right. And whether you acknowledge like you did, I think that you just were very aware that you were deciding to invest in this relationship versus investing the other things. But you're right, you're still doing it. And yeah, and I think it's a requirement for a successful relationship in the future. I agree. I mean, maybe not.

Yes. But I mean, you figure out what the amount is, I still like my current boo, he requires at least three hours a day. Wow. Day, I was like, I haven't done it. I mean, but we don't live together, like you live together. And so I was thinking about this.

I was thinking about, like, in my new relationships I did. And I want to say in my last relationship, I basically moved in with the person.

Like it was, and I think it was for that reason, though, like I was literally, I was in my 20s, like late 20s, mid to late 20s. And I was working full time. I've always had my side, hustle side, a side hustle. And that was the only way that I get that time. Yeah, it was like, and when I say moved in, I still have my own place. But I knew, I guess I not consciously consciously knew that I had to invest that time in them. And so I really just moved. Yeah, that's the only time that I had available. Yeah.

Yeah, to do that. But I mean, so I think time is a big one. And whether that's like the time that y'all are just hanging out, or the time that you're talking on the phone, or whatever, like the time you're spending with your significant others time that you could be doing something else. Yeah, so that's a real cost.

The Cost of Relationships- Compromise

What other costs would you say? I'm gonna say, like the compromise, and I think it's past the upfront time. But I think at some point, you have to acknowledge that there will be compromises that you are two different people trying to live your life together. And you're gonna have to compromise something. I don't think that you're ever going to have a situation where you can just do all the things and when I say compromise, I mean you can be small with me as an example. So like your time is compromised, like choosing to be with that person over your friends compromise, choosing to eat the things that they eat versus eat the things God naturally compromised, choosing to, in my case, watch movies that you're not interested in.

You know, to spend that time.

Give them that that piece of you. Yeah, I think it's a compromise. I think as you kind of grow your relationships, the compromises become bigger. So when you decide to have children, you when you decide to buy a house like what what do you do? Like, like, how do you live? I think there's always going to be compromised. And to the extent of how deep your relationship is, will gauge like the extent of the level of compromise that you have to do? It doesn't make sense. Yeah, that makes sense. And that I think some things that are compromises, actually, like make you a better partner says it does. Yeah, I think back to, when you're having a conversation about how you just do things that you've always done, and they may not be the best things. I think that's also one of the hardest things about a relationship. And maybe that's a cost, maybe that's a cost is that you actually have someone who is staring at you. And they're, they can see all your faults close.

And it's hard to deal with sometimes because like, it's just you, you can ignore your faults, like no one's calling you out. No.

But, or maybe that's benefit, not a cost. But I think it's harder, because you have somebody who can see, like, you get this close up view of you. And then they have a different Bradford's point to for, for things. So their perspective is a little different. So I remember that. I think he lost, I think he could be a cost and a benefit. How would you how would you describe the cost benefit? I mean, I think it would be a cost and a benefit for the exact reasons that you just described, like, you know, I think many times things that my partners want me to do is beneficial for you.

The way that I do

so yeah, I mean, I think in the short term, it hurts or like it's hard to do, because I have to break habit. But in the long run, I'm better off for it.

Tangible Costs- Men

So are there any things that you think are more like, like tangible financial costs a relationship, I guess, thinking about me? I mean, like, in my experience, Men Dating, I'm like, how do you afford to learn if I was a man, I would always be in a relationship, we would be married a joint bank account, carrying this load.

Like I I remember, like one guy, David. I was like, This is so expensive.

And I was kind of concerned. So this is this is sad. But your story, I would say misguided. And he would he was taking me to nice places. And this is like in the steel getting to know you face. Yeah. So I didn't know like how much money he made and stuff like this and come to find out like he didn't really make on it. I'm like, How are you really?

Like, he knows. Right? Right. Like, I know how much this class? Yeah, I remember I was in a relationship. I felt so bad. Like, I offered to go Dutch after a while because I felt bad and how much like a Lord Jesus. I know alone. But yeah, now I'm like, whatever.

Whatever if you don't think it's a problem that okay, well, now my age, you probably got this. I'll take it.

Yeah, but But if for sure there's, I think, a huge financial burden on men in the dating relationship. Yeah. And even in some cases in the marriage relationship, I think a lot of women expect their men to pay for majority of things. And so I think that expectation can be a little bit heavy on people. But for women, what would you say are like the cost? I mean, I feel like I definitely have a less cost than my current boo.

Tangible and Emotional Cost- Women

But, you know, sometimes I do buy him stuff. So that's a cost. Well, I was gonna say, I think that for women, I do think that women are naturally more givers, if that makes sense. And I don't I don't think it's it's always financial, though. But I feel like women just give more to relationships than men do.

And so I wouldn't necessarily associate that like with some kind of financial. Yeah. But I think that they are more caring, they're more considerate, they're more aware of what their partners are going through. Like, it just for me, it takes more time and energy, I think, for women to invest in relationships in that way. Yeah, I would wholeheartedly agree with that. Like, I just feel like I have to scale back all the extracurricular stuff that I do just because I need to make the mental space and capacity you know, for another person. And so So yeah, I don't know. I don't think my boo has to do that. But me he probably has to some extent

But I think it's different for women for sure. Yeah. So that would be a big cost. I think that women I do think in the dating realm, I do think that you step your game up when you're dating. Like, oh, spend more money yourself to look good. That kind of thing. That is a huge costs. And maybe that is the cost for women. Yeah, like we want to look good. We know wearing the same outfits wise to it wasn't photographing, you did not see the photograph. If there was one taken, I'm wearing this. Yes, but I think that you invest more. Like I was telling someone, it was so funny. I was like, I was the leanest like weight rock wise when I was dating. Like in new relationships. I was like, I was sexy, like, cuz I knew, like, I just understood that I had to invest more. And then I would say, with the combination of getting comfortable in the relationship, and the amount of eating dates.

In a relationship, I gain weight every day.

Taking me out to dinner. Let's go exercise. Yes, yeah. Yeah, I think that that's definitely a cost for women. Yeah. Like, I think they're I think there are a lot of costs, for sure. But I think one cost that we don't think about in I don't know if you're ready to have this conversation. But like, I think your partner is really the biggest financial decision, or, I mean, since we're talking about cost is going to be your biggest investment over your lifetime. Yeah, I do agree with that, as you think about like more serious relationships, like in marriage and children, and things like that. And even like, I'd say, it's this, there's also career trade offs, like who's going to be able to like, in case you're having children with someone who's gonna have to step back who's gonna take away a portion of their time that was attributed to their career, to do more with the children. That's, that's been them, it was really huge in my relationship, and I still think we, we kind of struggle with it. And one of the things that Princeton that we did is we way upped our experience our expenses, by getting a nanny, so both of us could go after our career goals. But that took some battling to figure out what we're gonna do. I think that ultimately to just in that same vein, that, like planning your future where you end up, somebody is gonna trade off some things, right? Like, where do you guys want to go? Right? It's gonna be a cost associated with that, and even, like, helping to fund that dream. Mm hmm. Like, that's huge, too. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a whole nother. So

it can be expensive. Yeah. So I think about, I mean, I have never been married. But I do think about, you know, the partners that have had in the past and kind of the, I don't know, I think some relationships that I have, had put me like, when I went into that relationship, I was one person,

crazy person. And when I left that relationship, I was just so much better off, like having the influence of that person in my life. Yeah. And so, you know, even though we didn't, you know, ride into the sunset forever, I think it was an investment on both parts. Yeah, hopefully, I mean, the same thing.

Cost and Benefits

So I don't know if I told anyone this before. But there was a time where my partner didn't work. Like right after we had had my daughter, my partner, kind of changed career fields, struggled a little bit with kind of finding where he wanted to go. And he basically, like stayed home with the kids and did that thing. But during this time, when I say my career, like, Bro so much, and it was that I didn't have to worry about home. And I did, I focused a lot of time on my job and my career and, and doing things to grow. And I did, I grew substantially in that because he I did feel like he had the homefront down. And that was a big deal to me and what I was capable of doing during that time. And I would say that now we're in a space where I'm kind of trading off a little bit. So I told you guys, I hired someone, but I still take up like, for instance with my newborn, because my significant other works earlier mornings, and I do I do night shifts by myself, like I'm up feeding changing my son and throughout the night because I know that my partner needs sleep so he can get up earlier to do his work and to make sure he can do what he needs to for his career to get to another point or whatever. And so that is a trade off. Because by the way, I also take naps.

But I mean, I think there are constant costs in relationships. But there are benefits that go along with some of those costs and you'd be a fool not to acknowledge that this occurs.

Takeaways

Exactly. And so I think I think that language of costs, like I appreciate the word investment, because in many cases, were paying the cost for some benefit coming out of that. Yeah. And I think, coming into this episode, my mind was a little different. And so you've changed my mind with your example of, you know, a really this being an investment in our future. Yeah. You know, whatever that looks like for you. That's a good point. So anything else you would say to the people before we go? Yeah, I like that. Don't think about it is costing about it as investment, but know if it's going to happen. I think that earlier on my mindset was not prepared for some of the costs, some of the investment that was required. But looking back, hindsight, 2020 and I'm thankful that my partner was my friend, because we would not be if we weren't friends first. And so just understand that this is the reality that two people join in together, that there will be some investment and there will be benefits to that investment. Yeah, make sure that you choose the right partner because there's going to be cost.

Alright, folks, so until next time, I'm your girl Tanisha Nicole, and I'm Shana Dixon and we are black girl fly